there is something so dispowering about being broke.
being broke with skills and a degree seems especially stupid. like foolish and dumb.
why would i spend years in class and stressing over assignments, only for it to count for nothing much.
spending years to perfect a craft that doesn’t provide me sustainability.
if i’m meant to do art, why the fuck is it so hard.
and if i’m not meant to do it, why am i so good at it.
it makes me hate my craft and my skill. cause if it wasn’t there to be had, i could just leave it behind without any second thought.
the fact that the skill is there and opportunities pop up sporadically like weeds is something that keeps me coming back. i’ll make the most money from art, when it comes in. vs the hourly wage jobs i’ve had that’s barely above minimum and keeps me day dreaming for a better time i don’t have to clock in there.
there isn’t even anywhere to clock in for me. i get rejected at coffee shops and retail places and teaching positions. i get rejected from things i don’t even want to do.
and the thing i’m good at fails me and falters when i need it most.
i love it when i can be supported and hate it viciously when i’m dead broke with paintings and drawing surrounding me.
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