i broke my fast intentionally today and idk if it was worth it. i ate a dinner with friends who cooked. it was v thoughtful. but i feel heavy and sleepy. granted it is 1:16 am but also i feel like i haven’t felt like this in a while. maybe i’ll be fruit based for a min and see what other changes i notice.

 there is something so dispowering about being broke.

being broke with skills and a degree seems especially stupid. like foolish and dumb.

why would i spend years in class and stressing over assignments, only for it to count for nothing much.

spending years to perfect a craft that doesn’t provide me sustainability.

if i’m meant to do art, why the fuck is it so hard.

and if i’m not meant to do it, why am i so good at it.

it makes me hate my craft and my skill. cause if it wasn’t there to be had, i could just leave it behind without any second thought.

the fact that the skill is there and opportunities pop up sporadically like weeds is something that keeps me coming back. i’ll make the most money from art, when it comes in. vs the hourly wage jobs i’ve had that’s barely above minimum and keeps me day dreaming for a better time i don’t have to clock in there.

there isn’t even anywhere to clock in for me. i get rejected at coffee shops and retail places and teaching positions. i get rejected from things i don’t even want to do. 

and the thing i’m good at fails me and falters when i need it most.

i love it when i can be supported and hate it viciously when i’m dead broke with paintings and drawing surrounding me.

fruit fast

 okay so i’m deciding to go on a fruit fast soon. i don’t like preparing for things too much because i feel that, personally, it delays the process.

if i’m preparing, i’m thinking, if i’m thinking, i’m not doing.

when you’re doing a fast, you’re not necessarily suppose to be telling anyone.

and i don’t plan to shout it from the rooftops.

the reason i want to do a fast in the first place is to reset my system. i’m eating food but it’s not satisfying. i want to snack on sweets all the time.

i feel like the fast will help to bring clarity to my mind and reset my digestive system…or something. that’s what i’m hoping anyways. also to provide discipline for myself.

i’m interested in mental clarity, improved mood and natural energy.

i feel tired waking up and coffee is only agitating me these days.

so here’s to a fruit fast.🥂